Hind Sight

I'm amused again. I was reading my ex's forum posts in PEX. He has no idea I have an account there and have been shadowing his posts ever since I accidentally saw one of his usual screen names.

I only visit PEX to post in the Travel and Leisure section to get advice on a particular destination. In fact, I've posted nowhere else and just lurk most of the time. Then by sheer coincidence, his username jumped out at me on the main forum page. He was the last one to post.

At first, I was just curious. Surely it couldn't be him. Must be someone else using the same username. So I click the post and.... voila! His avatar is his own baby picture which was also on his FB then. Lol.

So I use the search function to find ALL his posts. Haha. I was quite proud of my discovery. What dark, horrible secrets did he have to tell under an anonymous persona?

Turned out he frequented - what else - the Love and Relationships section.  Oh he had some juicy tidbits to share about my past with him. And what makes me smile all of the time is that he usually changes the story to suit his ego. And I find it a highly entertaining read!

He exaggerates sometimes, saying we lasted for 4 years, when it was only 3 (2 years and 11 months to be exact).  Or saying we had breakup sex. We didn't. I never even kissed him after we broke up. Lol.  I specifically remember an incident when he got angry because I refused to let him kiss me.

Still, what amused me just today was what he said about our relationship. As usual, he was giving a love advice to someone in need (wonder how he got so experienced when I was his first gf?). Then he mentioned that his past relationship with his ex (meaning me obviously) was similar to the poster's.

He said that after several years together, the spark was fading. This was true. But mostly because I never really loved him but that was my mistake, not his. And I will always regret that decision. That I even stayed that long with him.

Then he said that we felt we had to end it. He said he felt bored, stopped being sweet and basically didn't do anything to try and save the relationship. He just let it go. Now, this is what amuses me because it was I, who felt all these things and not him. Even a year into the relationship, I already felt like this which is why I sought solace from a past love. This past love was someone I can honestly say I fell in love with but it never really worked out. And even after a year, still wouldn't work out. Long story short, I remained with my ex.

And I stayed for another 2 years with my ex all for stupid, selfish reasons even though I knew from the start that I would never love him, namely:

1.  He loved me. I was sure of this.
2.  I didn't think I would meet anyone else (I have no idea why I thought this. I must have been desperately insecure.)
3. I already slept with him (yeah dumb reason)
4. I was afraid of being alone.
5. We were living together in a shared apartment. Leaving would mean a total inconvenience for me. (Looking for a new apartment, moving, financial matters, etc.)
6. Maybe, just maybe, if I stayed with him long enough, I could learn to love him like he did me. (wishful thinking)

And when it finally came down to it, all these stupid reasons couldn't hold a candle to what I was feeling: major unhappiness. It came to a point that the thought of ending up married to him literally brought me to tears. He had no ambition, no direction in life. No backbone, didn't know what he wanted and couldn't keep a job. Couldn't even leave a job properly (he went AWOL on his last job) and left me to pay for food and bills.

Every time I came home, he was playing Cabal. And on my PC, no less. He wasn't even looking for a job.

Ironically, it was looking for another apartment that was the hardest reason to leave him. Lol. I just couldn't find the time nor the resources to plan to leave. I kept thinking that if only this had happened in the province where I lived, it would have been so easy to break up and go home. But then, my home was his home too. Sigh.

So finally, I started not to care. I went on trips with friends. I played dota every weekend, coming home late at night or sleeping over somewhere else. I didn't care if he had dinner or not, if the money I left him was enough to buy his food or what. I didn't ask what he did, if he was still looking for a job. I didn't even feel like talking at all. We didn't have much to talk about anyway.

I was waiting for him to get fed up too. We started to do a routine. I wake up, leave for work. I come home. We go out to have dinner without talking about anything really. Return, then I'll be on my PC until I sleep and basically just ignore him. Sometimes, when I eat out with my friends, we don't even have dinner together. And I started to eat out frequently, too.

Sometimes, when I leave on a weekend to shop or do something, he says he'll accompany me. And I say no, just stay here and play Cabal. Inwardly, what I really mean is, yeah stay here since that's the only thing you know how to do well anyway. Besides, I'd have to pay for your fare and food too if you come with me.

My colleagues told me several times to invite him to play dota with us. I never did. I didn't want him invading

I was so mean, wasn't I?

Another thing he wrote in his forum post was that he believed he could've saved our relationship. Now I really wonder where he got that idea. He couldn't have done anything even if he crawled and begged me. Why? Because I didn't love him. I never did. Every time I said those words to him, I knew I was lying. If I did, I'd probably be the one doing the crawling and begging. I'm pathetic like that. Like with my ex before him.

Our breakup was equally anticlimatic. As usual, we were preparing  to go out to have our routine talkless dinner when out of the blue, he asked: "Do you still love me?".

And me, being the subtle person that I am, couldn't really blurt out "No" to his face so I kept quiet. That was enough for him. And finally, finally. We broke up. It was great timing too because if he hadn't brought up the topic, I would've done so by that week.

I couldn't begin to describe how happy I was on the days that followed. I had never felt so free before, or even realized how imprisoned I felt. Even my office mates noticed and said so. They just didn't know why.

And also, I was already falling for one of my colleagues then. We're together now, and planning our upcoming wedding in 2013.

But that's not the point.  I was talking about my ex's forum post. He said he waited for me to say that I got tired because he was a gentleman. On the contrary, as I mentioned above, he was the first to open the topic. But maybe he just forgot. For me, that memory was crystal clear because it was one of my major turning points.

Other times, I glean information about our mutual friends. He doesn't even try to hide some of their names. I think he's confident that he knows no one in PEX. Lol.

I don't really follow his every post. It's just during times like this, when I'm bored in the office that I remember to check. The last time I did was probably three or four months ago.

I have no intention to let him know that I know, of course. Let him talk about me or anyone else he pleases. I'll be the lurker I always was. If that's the only outlet he has to feel good about himself, then who am I to get in his way? Besides, no harm was done.

Of course, he may stumble upon my blog and read this post and he'll find out that I know. But it'll be too late then. Lol.